There's various parts of me that nag me to death at different times. Most of the time that feeling is guilt.
Guilt and regret because I didn't see my grandmother more often before she died. I likely couldn't have handled watching her deteriorate like that. I went a month without seeing her. I saw her the day I took her to the hospital, in her usual somewhat failing health, but she was still my grandmother. But in that month, organs decided to shut down, quit working, and give up on life. When i went back to visit, the woman laying in that bed was not my grandmother anymore...But it was, since when I walked up, and my dad said "Mom that's Alyssa" I heard her voice echo through the room "I know, that's my baby" clear as day. Just, everything else was a jumbled mess, and incoherent. The whites of her eyes were yellow, and had a gel on them. There were tubes everywhere. I don't really remember the visit outside of that, as I nearly fainted more times than I care to count.
She died a day and a half later.
Another sense in guilt that I didn't leave my ex sooner. That I wasn't more adamant on some things. That I wasn't more careful. I always have a nagging feeling that I'm not being a good enough mom. I feel bad I can't provide for her the things she needs. That I work long hours. I worry about how she'll turn out to be as a little girl, a teenager and eventually an adult.
But, I still have to do the best I can not only for me, but for her.
There are many other things that bother me, like work, if I'm doing a good enough job. The end of the training program feels so far away. I feel like I have a constant target on my back. Just I guess, rolling with the punches.
Goodnight and Goodluck
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Change
I wasn't going to post an entry so soon after the last one, but this one has been buzzing around in my head since I posted the last entry. Forming various phrases, partial thoughts, what I wanted this blog to be, and a lot of other random things that get stuck in my mind. Also, likely why I haven't been getting to sleep until 3am.
People and things change in the blink of an eye. I've had this blogger account since September of 2006, but there's no trace of what all I had this account for originally in the first place. So much of me has even changed since this blog.
I've graduated high school, attempted, and dropped out of a traditional [ish] college. I started and completed a certificate program and have even had a few jobs in that field.
Along the way I've gotten to know some awesome people, and have tried to get some toxic people out of my life. I've succeeded in getting a few of those toxic people out of my life, though there is one that I really can't shake.
However, the downside of that is that I've lost some pretty important people and things in my life too.
I suppose I wouldn't trade any of it for the world because all this change makes me who I am, it makes anyone who they are. I'm also the type of person who constantly changes how I'm mowing my grass simply because I hate walking in the same pattern. Vertical and horizontal lines are so boring.
I could continue to list the things that changed between the creation of this account and now, but that would start a whole line of processes I'm not sure my brain can handle. Well, the brain is an interesting thing, it can do much more than a computer but we still have our derp moments, but hey that's what makes us human, right?
Yet, one thing has remained the same in all this, since even before my blog got started...People always mistake me for a younger age. Which is fine. Many women would kill for that. When I was at the ice rink today a woman who saw me sitting in my car before my lesson began, just keeping to myself she glanced over as I was lacing my skates, then asked if I was in high school. Before I could answer she then added in "or college". She got a little red in the face when I politely replied with "neither" I briefly explained my schooling experience, and how I work in my chosen industry. My coach came by then sat down and we started talking about random pregnancy things. I saw the woman's mind slowly pause and pour over the things I had said and become confused as to my real age because I mentioned things specific about my pregnancy.
Funny how some things stay the same yet everything else changes.
Goodnight and Goodluck.
People and things change in the blink of an eye. I've had this blogger account since September of 2006, but there's no trace of what all I had this account for originally in the first place. So much of me has even changed since this blog.
I've graduated high school, attempted, and dropped out of a traditional [ish] college. I started and completed a certificate program and have even had a few jobs in that field.
Along the way I've gotten to know some awesome people, and have tried to get some toxic people out of my life. I've succeeded in getting a few of those toxic people out of my life, though there is one that I really can't shake.
However, the downside of that is that I've lost some pretty important people and things in my life too.
I suppose I wouldn't trade any of it for the world because all this change makes me who I am, it makes anyone who they are. I'm also the type of person who constantly changes how I'm mowing my grass simply because I hate walking in the same pattern. Vertical and horizontal lines are so boring.
I could continue to list the things that changed between the creation of this account and now, but that would start a whole line of processes I'm not sure my brain can handle. Well, the brain is an interesting thing, it can do much more than a computer but we still have our derp moments, but hey that's what makes us human, right?
Yet, one thing has remained the same in all this, since even before my blog got started...People always mistake me for a younger age. Which is fine. Many women would kill for that. When I was at the ice rink today a woman who saw me sitting in my car before my lesson began, just keeping to myself she glanced over as I was lacing my skates, then asked if I was in high school. Before I could answer she then added in "or college". She got a little red in the face when I politely replied with "neither" I briefly explained my schooling experience, and how I work in my chosen industry. My coach came by then sat down and we started talking about random pregnancy things. I saw the woman's mind slowly pause and pour over the things I had said and become confused as to my real age because I mentioned things specific about my pregnancy.
Funny how some things stay the same yet everything else changes.
Goodnight and Goodluck.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
One Day
This blog is likely going to serve as a place for me to vent out random things in my head, my life and other things I may not feel like taking out on others mostly so I can just relax and become at peace with myself again. I lost that somewhere along the way; from a few years ago when I journaled regularly. Writing was my way of finding release, at least one of them.
I generally try not to complain about life and the things going on, but it feels good, but after a while I sit back and think on the things that *could* be happening to me, but aren't, and I really should be thankful for such things like that.
Never have I been overly religious although I feel like something like a church family is missing from my life; but a few years ago I came to peace with my personal religious views although many do not share the same ideals I have. Not that I believe in something totally off the wall and random but I haven't found someone who shares in a similar belief system. Which is fine, however I'm a big believer in co-existing with one another no matter what someones views are. I though closely identify with Neo-Pagan and Unitarian Universalist. I don't go to a church, nor have I ever, really. I don't really count a few times of going as having "gone" to church.
Just, I still feel like something like that is missing, yet I'm comfortable in my own views. I guess it's just because a lot of my friends respond with things surrounded by churches. I grew up in a split household, neither went to church, which is fine. I'm not sure if that forced me to become more open minded or not. But really what made me realize this hole for the first time was my brother's graduation party, compared to mine. Midway through my party I kinda wished we hadn't done one, saved the money for my upcoming medical bills but, hey it was nice to see everyone at least.
Life will constantly always throw me for loops, yet I try my best to stay grounded. I rely heavily on my family and friends. I whine, vent, complain and sometimes, I'll admit to crying myself to sleep. Though that last one doesn't happen too often anymore.
I love my life and the people in it, I constantly strive to be the best me I possibly can, yet still be the best mom I can for my little angel. I have so many ideas for her, and things I want to accomplish but I'm limited because I don't make much money, and what money I do make goes into her insurance and her daycare fees. One day though I'll get it turned around.
I'm not really sure where I wanted this post to go, but I got inspired to write, and I wanted to update with something. So this is what you, my dear reader gets at 2am.
Goodnight and Goodluck.
I generally try not to complain about life and the things going on, but it feels good, but after a while I sit back and think on the things that *could* be happening to me, but aren't, and I really should be thankful for such things like that.
Never have I been overly religious although I feel like something like a church family is missing from my life; but a few years ago I came to peace with my personal religious views although many do not share the same ideals I have. Not that I believe in something totally off the wall and random but I haven't found someone who shares in a similar belief system. Which is fine, however I'm a big believer in co-existing with one another no matter what someones views are. I though closely identify with Neo-Pagan and Unitarian Universalist. I don't go to a church, nor have I ever, really. I don't really count a few times of going as having "gone" to church.
Just, I still feel like something like that is missing, yet I'm comfortable in my own views. I guess it's just because a lot of my friends respond with things surrounded by churches. I grew up in a split household, neither went to church, which is fine. I'm not sure if that forced me to become more open minded or not. But really what made me realize this hole for the first time was my brother's graduation party, compared to mine. Midway through my party I kinda wished we hadn't done one, saved the money for my upcoming medical bills but, hey it was nice to see everyone at least.
Life will constantly always throw me for loops, yet I try my best to stay grounded. I rely heavily on my family and friends. I whine, vent, complain and sometimes, I'll admit to crying myself to sleep. Though that last one doesn't happen too often anymore.
I love my life and the people in it, I constantly strive to be the best me I possibly can, yet still be the best mom I can for my little angel. I have so many ideas for her, and things I want to accomplish but I'm limited because I don't make much money, and what money I do make goes into her insurance and her daycare fees. One day though I'll get it turned around.
I'm not really sure where I wanted this post to go, but I got inspired to write, and I wanted to update with something. So this is what you, my dear reader gets at 2am.
Goodnight and Goodluck.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)