Guilt

There's various parts of me that nag me to death at different times. Most of the time that feeling is guilt.

Guilt and regret because I didn't see my grandmother more often before she died. I likely couldn't have handled watching her deteriorate like that. I went a month without seeing her. I saw her the day I took her to the hospital, in her usual somewhat failing health, but she was still my grandmother. But in that month, organs decided to shut down, quit working, and give up on life. When i went back to visit, the woman laying in that bed was not my grandmother anymore...But it was, since when I walked up, and my dad said "Mom that's Alyssa" I heard her voice echo through the room "I know, that's my baby" clear as day. Just, everything else was a jumbled mess, and incoherent. The whites of her eyes were yellow, and had a gel on them. There were tubes everywhere. I don't really remember the visit outside of that, as I nearly fainted more times than I care to count.

She died a day and a half later.

Another sense in guilt that I didn't leave my ex sooner. That I wasn't more adamant on some things. That I wasn't more careful. I always have a nagging feeling that I'm not being a good enough mom. I feel bad I can't provide for her the things she needs. That I work long hours. I worry about how she'll turn out to be as a little girl, a teenager and eventually an adult.

But, I still have to do the best I can not only for me, but for her.

There are many other things that bother me, like work, if I'm doing a good enough job. The end of the training program feels so far away. I feel like I have a constant target on my back. Just I guess, rolling with the punches.

Goodnight and Goodluck